Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Years ago a writer named Frederic Kelly immortalized his Uncle Robert in the pages of The Baltimore Sun with a column called "Robert's Rule," which gave some valuable tips on how to celebrate the saint's feast sensibly. Out of respect of the copyright law, I can't post the entire article (although I am sorely tempted), but here are some of the highlights.

My Uncle Robert says the difference between a rich man who drinks and a poor man who drinks is the rich man becomes an alcoholic and the poor man winds up a drunk.

My Aunt Kate says if anybody would know, my Uncle Robert would. He has poured enough alcohol down his throat in his time to qualify for both positions.

But he has class, my Uncle Robert has, class and a fine Irish wit. Even my Aunt Kate acknowledges that.

She used to complain about his drinking until he told he did not like to drink, it was just something to do while he was getting drunk. Then, when she asked him why he always came home half-drunk, he said it was probably because he ran out of money.

Anyway my Uncle Robert loves St. Patrick’s Day. He considers it one of God’s gifts to mankind and he celebrates it with near-religious fervor. He starts drinking early in the morning and does not stop until he sees the snakes St. Patrick chased out of Ireland twining themselves around the chandelier.

Based on years of experience, Uncle Robert supposedly wrote a book called Robert’s Rules of Order: Social Tips for St. Patrick’s Day Partygoers (Or How to Have a Good Time and Still Get Invited Back Again Next Year).

Drinking, like dress, is a matter of choice. Vodka, Irish, gin and bourbon are always appropriate. Green beer, of course, is traditional and one of the most festive St. Patrick’s Day drinks is a shot of whiskey followed by a glass of beer (or you can reverse it). Later on you can do your mixing in a vase or a crab pot.

However, do not mix beer with gin. Do not mix it with orange juice, either, in the belief that you making some sort of statement about human rights. Remember, too, if you are drinking wine, use a glass. Never drink straight from the bottle unless you see your hostess doing so first.

In the event a buffet is served, use a plate. Be sure that you are sitting down before you put the plate on your lap. If you forget, quietly push it under a chair with your foot.

Perhaps the most important thing to know is when and how to leave.

Finally, there are several ways to tell when the party is over. The considerate guest, the guest who would be invited back next year, learns to recognize them.

It is time to slip away when the police arrive, or when a delegation of neighbors offers to burn the house down. Another sure sign is when the host sees you and recoils in terror.

Leave as quietly as possible. Do not look back. Do not offer to pay for any damage. That can be done nicely in a note the next day. And at the same time, you can inquire about anything you happen to be missing—hats, coats, shoes, eyeglasses, watches, loved ones.

If you recognize yourself (or a younger version of yourself) in this column, don't forget to raise a glass to Uncle Robert. If you fail to see the humor in this, don't bother letting me know.